I thought about all the hurt he put me through, pain he caused me and worry I endured.
All the time and sacrifices I made for him. How replaceable I felt. Unappreciated and overlooked.
How I felt my person had been altered, compromised.
I feel clingy and needy.
I wish for his attention and need it. Why do I require so much attention? Why do I feel I need to fight for it?
I feel entitled. I deserve it and he should give it to me.
Why do I view him as so bad? Because he did bad things? Does that make him bad? No!
Because he got special treatment because of his looks am I jealous? Yes!
Because I have heard where he was and his words consoled my anxieties, fears, misery and trust issues while his actions confirmed them.
My heart broke.
I hurt him too, I know that. I wasn't fair. I did fucked up things. I catch myself trying to hurt him like he hurt me, but I refrain.
Why become what I despised?
I also questioned things today. Is this for the long haul? Can I ever fully forgive? Will he get better? What if there is another relapse? Am I ready to be with him? Can I still experience life? Are we compatible? Why am I thinking THIS way?!
That's what I want to find out. Why these thoughts occur. How much is because of me and how much is because of him? What can each of us do to negate these?
Source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/RolePlayGateway/~3/VVFlC4lZN1o/viewtopic.php
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